Rumble in the Rose Garden

The following is taken from a hand-written transcript of yesterday’s Rose Garden “Beer Summit”, provided to THI by Jonaldo Jiminez, a White House groundskeeper who asked us to withhold his name.

President Barack Obama:  Thanks for being here this evening, fellas. I know this all may seem kinda strange; you two being summoned by the President of the United States to the White House for an evening of drinking and hard talk about race relations, but I think this is an excellent opportunity for the three of us to get at the heart of this incident, and maybe learn from it and become better men in the process.

Vice President Joe Biden:  [visibly intoxicated] Barry-san! Hey mind if I join you homos? I brought a box full of 40′s.

Obama:  [look of exasperation] That’s fine Joe, please remember the rules we talked about regarding guests.

Biden: Oh- Yes sir, Mr. President.

Obama: Well then, gentlemen. It appears we’ve had a bit of a controversy erupt over the past week. Now, admittedly without having been there, and not knowing all the circumstances, I still think it’s safe to say that both of you were maybe a little bit wrong.

Sergeant James Crowley: Mr. President, I have stated repeatedly and on the record that I stand by the actions I took as an officer that day. I am not a racist.

Professor Henry Gates Jr: He is a racist! You can tell just by looking at him!

Crowley: I am not a racist – I was following up on a reported burglar-

Gates: Because I’m a black man?

Crowley: What??

Obama: Yeah, because he’s black?!

Crowley: What the hell does that even mea-

Biden: [shakes fist at Crowley] Cuss my President again and I’ll show you the wrong side of my right hand you fuckin’ mick.

Gates: Testify!!

Crowley: What the hell? You’re Irish too-

Biden: You callin’ me a fuckin’ mick, Crowley? [snaps head toward Gates] What did you say about my mama?!

Gates: What?

Crowley: Sir you are becoming dis-

Obama: Skip! Don’t let that nigga talk to you like that-

Biden: [screaming] NEVER USE THAT WORD IN MY PRESENCE!!! [drunkenly knocks over table and uppercuts President Obama]

Crowley: [to Biden, who's choking the President to death] Sir! Release the President!! NOW!!

Biden: You fuggin, motherfugger, I’ll kill you too! [farts, lunges wildly for Crowley's pistol]

Crowley: Duck Mr. President!! [fires one shot, hitting Biden squarely in the forehead]

Obama: Jooooooooooooe!!!

Gates: Jesus Christ!!

Biden: [stumbles; staggers back to chair and sits down]

Crowley: Mr. Vice President?

Obama: Joe!

Biden: Uhhhhhhg. [slumps, cups forehead in palm] Ugh. What happened.

Gates: You were just shot in the forehead, Mr. Vice President!

Biden: Ugh. Seriously? [still holding forehead, takes sip from Olde English]

Obama: You gonna be alright, bro?

Crowley: You’re all a bunch of fucking looney-tunes. I’m outta here, assholes. [chugs rest of beer; storms off]

Gates: Hey wait up!!

Obama: Typical white person. [turns to Biden] Hey you really think you should still be drinking? Aren’t you worried about the bleeding?

Biden: [applies band-aid to bullet hole; takes long swig from bottle] I’ll be alright homo.